The duck hunter.

Boom Boom Out Go The Lights
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A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak…

He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged…shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

‘Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.’

‘What’s the bad news?’ asked the hunter.

‘The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.’

‘Well I guess that isn’t too bad,’ the hunter replied ‘Is your sister a plastic surgeon?’

‘Not exactly.’ answered the doctor. ‘She’s a flute player in the Syracuse Symphony. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.’ 🙂

Schumie is back… all other F1 drivers beware!

F1 SCHUMACHER RETIRES
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The only driver to have won seven formula 1 titles is back (Yay!!!!). It will be fantastic to see Michael Schumacher back in a Ferrari racing Alonso, Kimi, Hamilton, Webber, Vettel, Barrichello, and Button. He will be taking Massa’s seat while poor old Massa recovers from his horrific accident.

They [Ferrari] could not have picked a more worthy champion for the drive. It’s funny though… one wonders what they think of their current test drivers if they are not even considered for the drive. Oh well, who cares. This will certainly add some added excitement to an already awesome F1 year. The possibilities are endless.

It’s the best news in F1 this year, not that this year has been dull. Far from it, for me it’s been one of the best years in racing for a very long time. It’s unfortunate that Schummie has been drafted in on the back of Massa’s unlucky accident, but Ferrari have picked the best and most successful driver of all time who has clearly not lost his will to win.

It’s going to very interesting, especially with him being team mates with Kimi. Will the number 1 time world champion be the number 1 driver against 7 times world champion? (ha ha) Will Schumie outpace Kimi? Can Schumacher win a race?… that will throw a spanner in the works.

It will be interesting for the likes of Hamilton, Webber, Vettel and Button.

Button must be thrilled especially if Schumacher can perform the miracles he use to perform and win some races. That will really screw up Vettel and Webbers chances of catching Button. And there was Webber yesterday saying there is no way Michael would return.

I can’t wait for the next race!!!!

Q Search – cool widget for Nokia 5800 / N97.

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I found a cool Nokia 5800/N97 widge called Q Search which was created by Russell Beattie. You can go and download it at Russell Beattie’s Weblog. It’s essentially the Nokia HTML search tool with some added shortcuts, and it is these shortcuts that make the whole search experience a lot better.

scr000066-wince1For example: I want to search “Go Ape” and I want to see all the “videos” people have taken. Normally one types that in the search tool and the results are a mix of videos, news, blogs, websites and you end up scrolling through loads of useless links. Not anymore if you use the Q Search widget.

So I load up Q Search and type in: “v go ape” and Q Search gives you all the Youtube Videos as results. It seems to only gives you Youtube video results, which I can live with as I use Youtube.com a lot, but I guess if you are not a Youtube.com fan, then this widget is not for you, but don’t forget about all the other options.

Other shortcuts that can be used before your search word are:

Google (g), Wikipedia (w), YouTube (v), Google Images (i), Twitter (t) and Definr dictionary (d).

I think it’s a brilliant application / widget and a must have for both the Nokia 5800 & N97.

That darn cat!

There is nothing like getting home after a long day at the office and being greeted by the following mess all over thelounge and  dining room floor. 🙁

If only the guilty cat would choose one location to puke it’s dinner up, it would make our lives so much easier, but alas, there was a total of 9 puke sites scattered around the lounge and dining room (mmmm). Question is who is the guilty cat? (Is it big cute eyes Tamsin or Mr innocent looking on pretending to be half asleep)?

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Teaching Maths in 2017.

1. Teaching maths in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..

His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.

What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is 80% of the price.

What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80.

How much was his profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.

His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20..

Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2005

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment:  Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.

6. Teaching Maths In 2009

A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land.  He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for
harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash.  They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution,
breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.

Your assignment:  How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?

7. Teaching Maths In 2010

A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.

The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.

Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a
bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.

The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus’s are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.

You do the maths.

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Arriva’s Fastrack bus service is a rip off.

Arriva runs this bus service called Fastrack in Kent. Since we dont live near the station, the only choice is walking down a disgusting road full of air pollution or risking life or limb around all the works that litter the pavements.

The service Its is not exactly FAST either, as their name suggests. We often wait an extra 10 to 15 minutes because the bus either missed its slot or didnt bother to turn up.

They recently put up the price of their tickets and for a local bus service outside of London, their prices are ridiculously expensive. £1.60 for a single and £2.60 for a return. It is daylight robbery.

daylight robbery

The most obvious thing that Arriva or Fastrack have failed to notice, is that their fancy large bus is not full. If they reduced the prices perhaps more local folk would use the service.

Posted by Wordmobi

Furberries and cream.

Don’t these furberries look delicious?

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The above photo was taken recently at work. These furberries had been in the work fridge for maybe a few weeks past past their sell or eat by date. They do look delicious NOT! I wonder if the culprit who left them in the fridge will own up now?

Lastfm desktop wallpaper generator.

I downloaded this little application call Lastfm for the desktop to listen to music and it comes with a very cool little app that generates a new background after a few songs or albums have been listened too.  The next time you log into your computer it takes all the albums and collates them into one gigantic windows background.

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Here is my latest background.  It’s pretty cool.

Nuestro mini descanso en Madrid.

One of the benefits of my employment is that I get to visit various cities in Europe once in a while, and this past week it was the turn of Madrid, Spain. I have been to Madrid once before but for only a day and a half and it was very rushed, so this time around Jo and I decided that we would take a few days before the day of my work and enjoy the city and it’s surroundings.

So on Saturday the 4th of July we flew from Gatwick Airport on sleasyjet to Barajas, Madrid. There was the usual pushing and shoving to get the best seat on the plane and the flight was pleasant enough. It took a little under 2 hours to fly to Madrid. Stepping off the plane into the 32 degree heat was a shock to the system, although we were dressed in shorts and t-shirt unlike some idiots in jeans and jerseys.

We took the Metro from Barajas airport to our hotel near Arguelles station. The metro system in Madrid is awesome to say the least. The coaches are all air conditioned and the stations are large and open with very clear signs and markings that are easy to read and understand. London Underground or TFL should visit Madrid and learn from them. The metro was also dirt cheap and cost us €1 from the airport to our hotel. We ended up buying a 5 day travel card for €17, which allowed us on all busses and trains throughout Madrid. One thing we noticed was there was little or no advertising in the stations or on the trains. A nice change from London underground.

Our hotel ‘Husa Moncloa’ was located in the cosmopolitan area on the west side of the city, within walking distance from the cultural attractions such as the Royal Palace, Opera House, and Plaza Mayor. There are two Metro stations on either side of the hotel (Arguelles and Monclao). There were also plenty of bars and restaurants within a couple of meters of the door. The area is known for it’s shopping, and every high street branded shop was within walking distance of the hotel. Our room was on the seventh floor and was nice and large. The bed was ridiculously big (our cats would have loved all the space). The hotel had everything one would need including an indoor swimming pool, gym and sauna.

On Sunday we discovered by chance that there was a theme park at Batan, two stops from our hotel and being rollercoaster nutters decided it would be better to spend the day there than walk around the city in the heat. The theme park is very similar to Alton Towers, although has more water rides and more roller coasters. It was the ideal place to test out our Panasonic Lumix FT1 digital camera, since its a rugged, dustproof, waterproof and a shockproof camera. As you can see by the photos and videos it worked like a charm. We also took along our Gorillapod stand and used it at every opportunity. Every photo that has the two of us together, is thanks to the Gorillapod.

I’ll say one thing about the Panasonic Lumix FT1, it takes awesome video in either AVCHD format or Motion JPG and the fact that the camera was shockproof and waterproof just added to the fun factor because we could take the camera along on every ride.

Here is a video of us on the Tarantula Rollercoaster with a bit of screaming and swearing added for extra entertainment.

Here is a great review on the Panasonic  Lumix FT1 – It compares about 6 other rugged, all weather cameras. It is a very detailed, comprehensive review and you’ll see why I like the Panasonic.