7
Dec
2009
4
Dec
2009
A newlywed couple had only been married…
By Mike. Posted in Family, Humour | No Comments » | 194 viewsA newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies ..
So, he said to his new wife, ‘Honey, I’ll be right back.’
‘Where are you going, honey bunch?’ asked the wife.
‘I’m going to the bar, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.’
The wife said, ‘You want a beer, my love?’
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25
different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland, Japan, India , etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ‘Yes, lolly pop…but at the bar…you know…they have frozen glasses…’
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, ‘You want a frozen glass, puppy face?’
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, ‘Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long, I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?’
You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?’ She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
‘But my sweet honey… At the bar… You know…there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…’
‘You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren’t f***ing going anywhere! Got it, A**hole?’
So he stayed home…………
…….and, they lived happily ever after.
Now, isn’t that a sweet story?
22
Nov
2009
Crack in an Airplane Window. Scary Stuff!
By Mike. Posted in Did you know?, Holiday, Humour, Travel, True Story | 1 Comment » | 338 viewsThis is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!
Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame!
Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on.
This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9.
I’ll definitely think twice before flying USAir.
9
Oct
2009
Why men are never depressed?
By Mike. Posted in Did you know?, Humour, Reaction | 2 Comments » | 313 viewsMike, you need new jeans and pants as yours don’t fit you well, Mike you need new shirts, Mike you need a new coats, new shoes, new socks, Mike your underpants have holes in them, Mike, I am embarressed to walk around with you looking like a slob, Mike YOU NEED A NEW LOOK!
Does that sound familar? I have heard those words hundreds of times since I married my lovely wife. Clearly she has not read the following or doesn’t understand men:
Men Are Just Happier People– What do you expect from such supreme creatures?
Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress R5000. Tux rental-R100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is R12.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes — one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
So please send this post to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it.
4
Oct
2009
Apparently today is “annoy the cat” day!
By Mike. Posted in Animal Kingdom, Cats, Humour | No Comments » | 348 views
10
Sep
2009
Royal Pigeon smashes broadband speed record.
By Mike. Posted in Animal Kingdom, Humour, Reaction, South Africa, UK News | No Comments » | 278 viewsThere is a wonderful story in the news today (many sources BBC, Metro, IOL etc) about a company in South Africa who used a pigeon to carry a small memory card of data from one location to another while at the same time they tried sending the data over ADSL to the same location.
They wanted to show Telkom how slow their broadband connection was.
In total, it took two hours, six minutes and 57 seconds for Winston the pigeon to fly to Hillcrest and to upload the data from the card onto the call centre system.
By that time, the ADSL transmission of the same data size was around four percent complete.
What a clever pigeon – Not only did Winston fly there in record breaking time, he also uploaded the data onto the system. 
Winston sets off to work for UPigeonS!
This story got me thinking why the mad scientists of the world are trying to clone sheep or grow ears on hands or silly stuff like that?
Instead why don’t they genetically enhance a racing pigeon and make it like a hawk or an eagle with excellent eye sight, a powerful body strong enough to fend off predators, bad weather and equally strong enough to carry a few carefully constructed waterproof boxes or satchels on it’s back or legs, which can hold memory cards, mini hard drives or small documents. It’s incredible to think that the pea size brain of a pigeon is intelligent enough to remember great distances and locations of departure and destionation, so the scientists would not have to make major changes in the brain department.
Once the super pigeon has been developed, train them up, and give them good strong names such as Winston, George, Sarkozy, Berlusconi, and Barack-Obama and then sell them to some small choice companies who are willing to compete with the likes of Royal Mail, TNT, Fedex, UPS and all the ISP’s of the world.
I am sure there are many people, companies, small developing countries around the world who have poor mail services and equally poor broadband services. Take the UK for example (since I live here), the Royal Mail are striking at the moment (yet again). Our ISP’s sell us broadband packages and promise us speeds of 8MB or more, yet one is very lucky to get more than 2MB. There are plenty of surveys to prove this statement.
Look out for the following global brand names in the future (Royal Pigeon, UPigeonS, FedPigeon, FastPigeon, Pipigeon, T-Pigeon, PigeonBolt). I can definitely see them taking off. (excuse the pun).
What an idea hey?
Space Ritual's photostream
A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak…
He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged…shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
‘Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.’
‘What’s the bad news?’ asked the hunter.
‘The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.’
‘Well I guess that isn’t too bad,’ the hunter replied ‘Is your sister a plastic surgeon?’
‘Not exactly.’ answered the doctor. ‘She’s a flute player in the Syracuse Symphony. She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss in your eye.’
24
Jul
2009
One of the reasons Mummy won’t let Charles be king.
By Mike. Posted in Humour, True Story | No Comments » | 163 views
1. Teaching maths in 1970
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100..
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit?
2. Teaching Maths In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is 80% of the price.
What is his profit?
3. Teaching Maths In 1990
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80.
How much was his profit?
4. Teaching Maths In 2000
A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100.
His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20..
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Maths In 2005
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
6. Teaching Maths In 2009
A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree in case it may be offensive to Muslims or other religious groups not consulted in the felling license. He is also fined a £100 as his chainsaw is in breach of Health and Safety legislation as it deemed too dangerous and could cut something. He has used the chainsaw for over 20 years without incident however he does not have the correct certificate of competence and is therefore considered to be a recidivist and habitual criminal. His DNA is sampled and his details circulated throughout all government agencies. He protests and is taken to court and fined another £100 because he is such an easy target. When he is released he returns to find Gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp on his land. He tries to throw them off but is arrested, prosecuted for
harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the Gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it on the black market for £100 cash. They also have a leaving BBQ of squirrel and pheasant and depart leaving behind several tonnes of rubbish and asbestos sheeting. The forester on release is warned that failure to clear the fly tipped rubbish immediately at his own cost is an offence. He complains and is arrested for environmental pollution,
breach of the peace and invoiced £12,000 plus VAT for safe disposal costs by a regulated government contractor.
Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises that he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work, give up, sign onto the dole and live off the state for the rest of his life?
7. Teaching Maths In 2010
A logger doesn’t sell a lorry load of timber because he can’t get a loan to buy a new lorry because his bank has spent all his and their money on a derivative of securitised debt related to sub- prime mortgages in Iceland and lost the lot with only some government money left to pay a few million pound bonuses to their senior directors and the traders who made the biggest losses.
The logger struggles to pay the £1,200 road tax on his old lorry however, as it was built in the 1970s it no longer meets the emissions regulations and he is forced to scrap it.
Some Bulgarian loggers buy the lorry from the scrap merchant and put it back on the road. They undercut everyone on price for haulage and send their cash back home, while claiming unemployment for themselves and their relatives. If questioned they speak no English and it is easier to deport them at the governments expense. Following their holiday back home they return to the UK with different names and fresh girls and start again. The logger protests, is accused of being a
bigoted racist and as his name is on the side of his old lorry he is forced to pay £1,500 registration fees as a gang master.
The Government borrows more money to pay more to the bankers as bonus’s are not cheap. The parliamentarians feel they are missing out and claim the difference on expenses and allowances.
You do the maths.
