You joking me!
Waiting on the doorstep were two elderly men – obviously locals. They both touched their caps, and said, “Mornin’ “, and followed the new owner inside.
“Two halves of mild, please,” said one of the men. “With pleasure,” replied their new landlord.
“Where’s the snuff?” asked the other man, whilst looking on the bar.
“Snuff?” responded the landlord.
“The last landlord used to leave snuff on the bar – in a big red saucer – for us pensioners,” the man said, “and you’ll find that we’re important to your business. We don’t buy a lot, but we’re here every lunchtime and evenin’, 365 days a year!”
“Well,” replied the landlord, “I didn’t know about this – it’s my first day – but I’m happy to provide snuff for you, as the last landlord did. There’ll be some on the bar this evening.”
When the landlord closed the pub at 3:30, he had so much to do before the evening opening at 5:30, that he forgot all about his promise.
At 5:00, as he was getting ready for the evening opening, he glanced through one of the windows, and saw one of the men talking to another elderly man, obviously waiting for the doors to open.
“Oh no,” the landlord thought. “I forgot the snuff!” He looked in the back of the pub, and found the big, red saucer, which he placed on the bar. He then went looking in all the cupboards for a tin of snuff, but to no avail. He remembered that, in the back yard, was a small brick extension full of bric-a-brac, so he went to look in it. No luck!
On his way back across the yard, he espied an old, crumbling, dried-up piece of dogshit which, when he tried to kick it against the wall, collaped into dust. A sudden idea entered his head. He went into the pub, collected the red saucer and a piece of kitchen-roll, then returned to the yard, where he picked up the remains with the piece of kitchen-roll, then finely crumbled it into the saucer. He then re-entered the pub, and again placed the red saucer on the bar. He then washed his hands, and went to open the doors.
The first man entered, saw the ‘snuff’, and helped himself to a large portion, and sniffed. “Can you smell dog shit?” he asked the landlord. The landlord mumbled a negative response. The second man, who had been hanging up his coat, wandered over, and also used the snuff. “There’s a smell of dog shit around here!” he exclaimed. The landlord again mumbled that he couldn’t smell anything.
Just then, a third elderly man entered. “Jack,” the first man called, “Come over here.” The man ambled over. “Can you smell dog shit?” the first man asked him, “Because I can,” he continued, “and Bill can, but the landlord can’t.”
Jack sniffed deeply, twice. “Can’t smell a thing,” he said, “But wait a minute.” He then took two big pinches of snuff – one in each nostril, and sniffed again. “Ah, I can smell it now,” he exclaimed. “It’s good snuff – it really clears your nose!”
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We are Mike and Jo Bowen. Originally from South Africa, we now live & work in the United Kingdom. Mike is the blogger, beer drinker, gadget man, reviewer and Jo is the proofreader, wine drinker, cat lady, sanity checker and “don’t you dare put that on lookatbowen.com“. Together we travel the world and have fun wherever possible. If you are new to this website and want to know more about us, check out the the longer version.
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